I had an MRI earlier. On the safety form I wrote that I was a trans woman, just in case it would somehow be medically relevant. It didn’t come up until after the end. As soon as I got out of the machine, the nurse asked me excitedly “Sorry can I ask how long you’re been transitioning? You look amazing!“.
We didn’t have much time to talk, but she specifically told me that she only mentioned it because I had written it on my form. (By the way, medical forms really need to be updated to ask people if they’re trans, seriously). That usually she doesn’t want to offend people by bringing it up. And like, yeah, on one hand trans people shouldn’t have to be ready to answer questions about their existence at all time. On the other hand… maybe cis people shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells if they want to connect with us?
According to popular trans discourse, I should have been offended at her commenting on my appearance/passing and asking questions about transition. It’s often considered a meme how cis people ask us intrusive questions out of nowhere, or how it can be condescending to hear things like “you look so good [for a trans woman]“. And yeah, I get it. But also, I want to make the argument that we shouldn’t be offended.
For starters, it’s a nice ego boost. Yeah maybe there’s something cis-supremacist in the idea of being surprised that a trans woman “looks good”, but you know what, we live in a world that mostly revolves around cis people and their perception. A lot of trans women just want to be perceived as women by their peers and that’s fine. So yeah, I’m happy when I realise that I’m lucky enough to pass and surprise people.
I see gender as a mostly social construct. I know, not every experience is universal, some people will disagree. But for me, the main reason to transition is to be allowed to fit a general type of vibe: Aesthetics, social behaviour, style, how people treat me and how I can treat them, etc. That’s what gender amounts to, functionally. Filling the other role sucked for me, while filling the role of a woman works out pretty well.
Thing is, people interpret gender mostly subconsciously. Maybe one day we’ll live in a post gender eutopia (is it even one?), but for now, people judge you and put you in one of their boxes on instinct. People want to be nice and they’ll accomodate trans people as much as they can. But if someone really can’t fit into their instinct of what a man/woman is, they’ll have trouble gendering them this way.
With all that, the undeniable truth about transition for me and many people is that it is mostly about how others perceive me. I don’t necessarily need to pass as cis, but I want to be seen as a woman. People might know you’re trans and still see you as a woman, and I think that’s what matters the most. The goal of social/physical/medical transition is to eventually reach the point where for most people, you instinctually get put in the category you want them to put you in, right?
Like, if there was no one around to judge me, who I am, what I can do etc. based on my gender or appearance, would I really care that much about it? I’m sure the vast majority of dysphoria actually comes from the mismatch between how you perceive yourself and how you know others perceive you.
I know, that was a long tangent, but the point is right there. We’ve had a reactionary radical trans movement of rejecting cisnormativity and wanting to emancipate ourselves from cis people and gender, and I understand that. And for some people maybe that is the goal, to be a true gender neutral unlabellable thing. But I still think that quite a lot of trans people simply want to chill as a woman or man.
And like, yeah. If someone learns I’m trans and is excited/curious about it + compliments how well I did with my transition, you know what, I’m going to be happy and thank her. It’s nice to get good feedback on all this work I’ve done on myself. It’s nice to get a reminder that normal people are nice and supportive. It’s nice to see that people are curious and want to learn more about me.
When we have an online world obsessed with the negative and we’re part of a group that is treated horribly, we can easily end up identifying with the negativity. But we don’t have to. We can reject that bitterness and instead we can focus on the nice things. If I have to see anti-trans news every day, yeah, it’s a nice change to meet a stranger who thinks me being trans is cool. I’m not going to complain about it.
What I see in those situations is someone being genuine and curious. This person wants to learn more so she asks questions, and that’s good. Sure there’s a point where it can get awkward if it’s too intrusive, but tbh if they already know I’m trans, I might as well give them a chance to leave more informed than they were before.